Ok...so my friend comes over today to have dinner before I take one of her children to an activity and she takes on of mine to her house for a playdate and she wants a drink....
Friend: Do you want a beer?
Me (in my head): OF COURSE I WANT A FUCKING BEER, DUH!!!!
Me (for real): No, I'm trying to cut back on the drinking. (I haven't really had the "alcoholic" conversation with anyone but my husband. Bad, I know!!)
Friend: Oh...right before summer? That's a horrible time....you should just have a drink.
And in my warped mind this is what I heard...
Don't worry that last week when I was here you broke an egg next to the bowl instead of in it while trying to cook and then almost fell...not even both incidents at the same time, that I've had to drive you home on NUMEROUS occasions because you can't even form a full sentence let alone drive home and that the last time we went out you came home with grass stains on your ass!!! Just have a drink it'll be fine.....
I really need to go to a meeting. I need to find LIVE support. People that know what I am going through right now. I know my husband wants to be supportive, but he can't really get it because he's never had to. He can have a drink or two and not think about alcohol again for a week or two.....why can't life be that simple for me?
But, this is day 2. I am surviving...so far. One day at a time, right???
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Hang in there. You can already hear the voice in your head that tells you to drink - that's a big step because it helps you steer away from denial and towards truth.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, getting a network of people who get it, who support you, is SO important. It's not easy - OMG I was so scared when I first went to a meeting, and even more scared when I didn't sit silently in the corner but instead put my hand up and asked for help.
But, honestly? Everything changed for me when I started letting the cool, funny, compassionate, smart, loving women I met there into my life.
It was eye opening to see how litle my friends understood what I was going through - how much they tried to convince me I 'wasn't that bad'. Then, when I got really bad, they were so shocked and hurt they didn't know what to do.
Keep on keeping on - the early days are so hard.
And I'm listening. :)
-Ellie