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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Day 6!!

So I went to my first meeting on Thursday! I cried the entire time...literaly THE ENTIRE time! Everytime someone spoke, I cried more. It was like I was hearing my own story over and over. Not everyone had my exact story, but we were all fighting the same demons. I finally felt like I didn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not or hide something that is such a HUGE part of who I am.

I am ready to begin the next part of my life...the one where I am present as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend. I am ready to spend time with my children and my husband without looking for another drink. I want to REALLY enjoy life and FEEL again.

I know this is not an easy road, but I finally feel like I am ready for the challenge! The cravings suck...bad, but with support, I BELIEVE that I can do this! Although, I am completely expecting to gain a ton of weight since chocolate ice cream has become my new drink....

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 3

I WANT A DRINK, I WANT A DRINK, I WANT A DRINK!!! OK, that's out! Today was a struggle. It shouldn't have been, I dropped my youngest at pre-school, went to my oldest's school to watch field day, took her to out for a girl's lunch and then picked youngest up from school. We got home, watched some TV, played and cooked dinner, and all I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin....

Why is this so freaking hard??? I was having what should have been a wonderful day with my kids and all I want is a drink! I am really hoping that this anxiety gets better...soon!! I was reading another blog about alcoholics and anxiety and Xanax (that blogger had the same thoughts that I am having!)....I would love a Xanax...anything to help with the anxiety, the depression, the pain, but alas...I would then be addicted to one crutch for another.....what's a girl to do?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 2...and a test! my friend comes over today to have dinner before I take one of her children to an activity and she takes on of mine to her house for a playdate and she wants a drink....

Friend: Do you want a beer?


Me (for real): No, I'm trying to cut back on the drinking. (I haven't really had the "alcoholic" conversation with anyone but my husband. Bad, I know!!)

Friend: Oh...right before summer? That's a horrible should just have a drink.

And in my warped mind this is what I heard...

Don't worry that last week when I was here you broke an egg next to the bowl instead of in it while trying to cook and then almost fell...not even both incidents at the same time, that I've had to drive you home on NUMEROUS occasions because you can't even form a full sentence let alone drive home and that the last time we went out you came home with grass stains on your ass!!! Just have a drink it'll be fine.....

I really need to go to a meeting. I need to find LIVE support. People that know what I am going through right now. I know my husband wants to be supportive, but he can't really get it because he's never had to. He can have a drink or two and not think about alcohol again for a week or two.....why can't life be that simple for me?

But, this is day 2. I am far. One day at a time, right???

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 1 here it is...Day 1 of sobriety. Not really much to brag about, but it's a start. I have admitted that I am powerless against alcohol (whatever that means) and I am trying to get sober. I haven't been able to actually go into an AA meeting yet...every night I tell myself that tomorrow will be the day that I go. I know where the meeting is, what time it starts, I've even driven by a time.....or twenty...but I always find reasons not to go in...the laundry needs to be done, I have to volunteer at my child's school, or the best reason...I'm too tired...well duh, of course I'm too tired, I stayed up late drinking every last beer in the house...and at one point even contemplated going to get more!!! Well, if that doesn't that scream PROBLEM!

It's very hard for me to say it, even though I've known it for longer than I care to admit...I am an alcoholic. But, this is my start, my start at being a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better ME, a SOBER ME!!

Although, right now, I'm already rethinking the whole sobriety thing....